October 14th Journal - Depression

Every experience in life is potentially empowering. Every single one, thats kind of daunting to think about. Even the experiences that are so painful that they can’t be empowering. Like suffering with depression, and contemplating suicide. But as is true with all things in life, it all depends on how it is framed. Depression was my soul’s way of signaling to my brain and body that something was not okay. Meandering through life, distracting myself with instantly gratifying pleasures, would not bring me what I wanted. At that time, I didn’t know what I wanted, but depression made it very clear what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to just get by. I wanted to use my life to create.

I used to think about my depression and ask “why me?” I would look at other people that lived a life seemingly so similar to mine but were content and even happy. Why couldn’t I be happy. The simple answer was because I didn’t want that life. I tried to convince myself I did, but my soul wouldn’t let me. Spending the entirety of my life playing video games and partying would not bring fulfillment ever. Depression forced me to face that realization and to try something different. My depression was self-induced, on an unconscious level I did it to myself. My unwillingness to face my unconscious thoughts and emotions led to a physical and psychological pain that could not be escaped through drugs and distractions.

At 23, depression felt like an insurmountable obstacle, that I would always be oppressed by, living in the shadows of. Now, at 26, I can finally view that experience and my depression as a true blessing.


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We are two brothers that have struggled with mental illness and addiction most of our lives. We realized disconnection was at the heart of our problems. We are attempting to reconnect with ourselves and our community. One of the ways we do this is with our podcast. Another way is with our weekly group ritual.


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